Even if you want
by watermelon'sPen
Summary: If this old man knew! His words hit a nerve.../Just after ep10x13:Snatched, a fic not EO but about E/O... Rated T for just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello, everybody!!**_

_**This is my very first chapter of my very first fanfic!!**_

_**It's a little against for Elliot and Olivia (I'm not an EOShipper -not exactly at least.), some thoughts about the whole E/O thing and… OK, I really don't know what else will come…! All I know is that a second chapter is coming for sure!**_

_**Enjoy and please, please leave a review!! I'm a newbie, aren't I? So I need your opinion to evaluate!**_

_**Thanks in advance!! ;)**_

_**P.S.: Excuse me, if you notice any huge grammar, spelling or expression error. I come from a non-english speaking country.**_

_**Just for the record, as everyone knows it: I own nothing but my imagination! :D**_

_**Rated: T , just to be safe.**_

_**Introduction: It happens just after the end of the episode "Snatched" from the 10**__**th**__** season. The detectives have taken care of the money for the little girl and they are doing paperwork, or that's what it seems that they're doing for at least one of them…**_

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"He finally realized, sometimes, even if you want something real badly, you shouldn't have it…"

"Nice"…! Now I'm thinking of a retired thief's words… "Nice", really "nice"…!

"_It could have been worse, really worse…!_, my inside voice states ironically. _You could have been thinking of an insane perv's words. You've met so more of them than simple, old, retired thieves…!"_

My inside self has a point, I admit.

"_I always have more than one point!"_

-Oh, yeah, I know…

"…sometimes, even if you want something real badly, you shouldn't have it…"

God!, if this old man knew… He was referring to this young man who couldn't face the life after jail in order to raise his own daughter. But with this phrase, just by chance, he hit a nerve to him, too…

"_Chance?, _my inside voice takes the chance to argue. _Don't think, Stabler, that you are the only one that faces this kind of situation. It's a pretty cliché, dear."_

-Oh, yes. It's a cliché because life's a bitch…

"_Not exactly… Just because no one knows what's hidden behind the next corner."_

- Even if it's hiding something too precious…

I throw a look to the other edge of the desk and I smile thoughtfully. The situation gets worse when you have this "something you want really badly" in front of your eyes every day… I drag my stare away in a guilty way.

-But I shouldn't, I MUSTN'T even think like that!!

"_Hey hey!! Don't let your catholic guilt take almost everything over, once again!"_

- It's right! You know it! Married men shouldn't love any other woman apart from their wife! Cops shouldn't be ready to sacrifice a public member's life for their partner's! That's rules!

"_Oh, Elliot! After almost a half century in this world, you still haven't understood that the rules are just a formality!"_

-Just a formality?! Are you serious?! The families, the jobs, the whole world function on the rules!!

"_Are you sure that you are a clever man, Stabler, or you just pass like that?"_

I tangle my fingers in a fist. Now, I have a conflict with myself?! The thing's getting "nicer" and "nicer"…!!

"_If the only that matters are the rules, go ahead and break them, break them more, to be correct! Go and get what you want! When you beat up a perp, you do the same thing, you break the rules! You are pretty used to it!!"_

-It's not the same! The rule which says that I'm not allowed to beat the crap out of a sick bastard isn't the same!

"_Of course it's not, because it's only a formality, a rule that just prevents the defense attorneys of finding another argument to make the punishment lighter…!"_

-I really don't get where you're going with this…

" _Τ__he whole world functions not due to the rules, but due to the people who act on their responsibilities or who at least try to act on them. You, El, you're doing exactly this… You have nothing to feel guilty about."_

It's just my mind or I just met a pair of sympathetic eyes staring at me, the most known eyes to me, my partner's? Myself plays tricks on me… Finally, you don't need anyone to drive you crazy. Yourself is more than enough…!!

"_It's me who tell you this, Stabler. Believe me, if you were doing anything wrong I'd have already thrown it to your face for sure! But you act on your responsibilities, El, as a father, as husband and… as man who cares…"_

_-_I don't simply care and you know it! I LOVE! That's why I picked her over a young boy's life, damnit!

I let a breath that I didn't know I was holding…

-But I can't have her…

"…sometimes, even if you want something real badly, you shouldn't have it…"

"_You take a decision about a marriage, a family, based on who and what you know till the moment you decide. You can't know who and what you'll meet the next moment, at the next corner. But you just have to follow that decision."_

-That is what I did when I ran to Kathy, when I got her pregnant the last time…

"_And you were too scared…"_

-Of the possibility of ending up hurting my family, like that sick guy…

"_Yeah… Even if you should know that you are unable of hurting anyone you love. El, trust me you can be a pain in the ass, a jerk but you are a good man… Anyway! I really think that I became pretty smooth to you today!"_

I smile ironically to myself.

-So let's give you something to stop being so soft… Do you remember what brought that son of a bitch to us in first place? Eh? Do you remember?!

"_His "fiancée's" murder."_

-Bingo! Before hurting his family, he had hurt his "other woman" who did nothing but loved him! He killed her! THIS possibility of hurting Liv scared the shit out of me!

"…sometimes, even if you want something real bad, you shouldn't have it…"

"_Because you may destroy it…"_

I rub my neck hard.

-But do you know the irony? I had already hurt her! I still do it! So go on and condemn me! Come on! I'll accept anything without objection! You can't just ignore the way I treat her! I throw my crap on her every day! I make her deal with my stupidity, save my sorry ass again and again! I keep her trapped around me, trapped in all the levels! And I didn't have the right!!

"_El, she left two times but she came back by her own. You aren't responsible for her choices. She wants it this way. That's her choice."_

-That's my choice!

Did my ears start playing tricks on me, too or did I just hear the voice, speaking in my head this whole time, suddenly coming from the other edge of the desk?!

TBC

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_**Thank you for reading!!**_

_**Do you like it or not?? What's your opinion??**_

_**Please, let me know **_

_**just by hitting the button below!! ;)**_

_**Thanks!! Thanks!! Thanks!! **_

_**Yours, Watermelon'sPen!! 8-)**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**I know it took me too long to update this story… I was quite busy. ( I was busy too to make this SVU fan-video for a friend - **__**.com/watch?v=UkPKcsDxhao**__** _I know the song is greek so… :D )**_

_**But now I'm back!**_

_**In this chapter there are a little bit of thoughts again but also the very first step into action…!**_

_**Enjoy!!**_

_**PLEASE REVIEW! I'd really love to know your opinion!!**_

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-That's my choice!

-What about you El?

What the hell is happening? Was I having this conversation with Liv this whole time?

-El!, I hear more loudly.

I raise my head and I just stare blankly at her.

-El?, she whispers softly.

I blink surprisingly only to see her watching me with concern. When she sees my eyes focusing finally on her, she smiles.

-Someone needs this pizza more than anyone else here!, she continues.

-Eh?,

Pizza? No I wasn't talking with Olivia but, what the hell? For the first time I notice Fin standing besides Olivia and smiling teasingly.

-Take it easy with the hard thoughts, man!, he says in a light tone. We're gonna buy a pizza. Which is your favorite add-on thoughtful boy?

-Pepperoni! That's my choice! What about you El?, states Liv and I assume that's what she was saying a few moments ago.

-Hmm… Sausage?, I propose.

-Is there any classified plan to give heart attacks from fat and cholesterol to old cops? Just to save the money from the retirements for the state?, points out Munch from his desk.

I crack a small smile.

-OK, old man! Mushrooms then!

-I'm goin' to call to order it, says Fin and he approaches the phone on his desk.

I look at Liv again.

-Sorry, I say softly.

-No prob. Everyone can be lost in their own little world of thoughts from time to time.

I smile as I do realize that in this "little world of my own thoughts" she is present. After a decade by my side she finally intervened there too.

I know that quite often the people around you influence your inner part. You hear their opinion in your ears, you consider their point of view on everything that is going on in your life, even when they aren't speaking, even when they aren't there, maybe even when they aren't alive anymore… And this happens just by the proximity, it doesn't mean that you approve their opinion… God! For years I listened to my father's accusations and judgments in my head…

But now it's different. I feel just so… fulfilled...

Because Liv didn't just intervene, she took her place in my soul. She became my conscience, the voice of my inner thoughts, of my other self…

Just like in our real-life interaction, she is the one that she gives me peace when everything becomes too heavy. She is the one who comforts me when I drive myself crazy and the one who confronts me when I am out of my mind. Just like that I hear her in my head about everything and even about matters that maybe I'll never dear to say to her…

"Even if you want…"

I want something, someone more correctly, really bad, Liv…

"_maybe you shouldn't have it…"_

I raise my eyes and I see her staring at me again. She hasn't spoken again. But she is looking at me with eyes full of understanding.

I wonder if she is thinking about the same things I am.

"_Certainly, Elliot. The same thing touching you __touches her as well! Each of you is the better half of the other. You are parts of a whole…"_

Oh, yeah, Liv. I want really bad that some day we could form that whole in every level but maybe…

And I see her looking me with a stare that says "It's okay..."

-Excuse me, lady and gentlemen!

Liv shifts trying not to seem uncomfortable and I turn my head to see the greatest Rat from the Rat Squad approaching. This guy really hits on my nerves every time I see his face! And this time he is not alone. He has two officers in uniforms with him. This couldn't be a good thing from the start but now it seems that's worse…

-Is your Captain in his office?, he asks not dragging his eyes off Olivia and me but he keeps them mainly on her and I'm sure that he didn't neglect to stare on her chest. Son of a bitch!

-What do you want?, I ask a little rush.

-Nothing concerning you or your partner, detective… this time, he adds ironically. But your squad finally has more hot-blooded members than I thought.

-What's going on here?, Cragen's voice is heard as he gets out of his office.

The Rat makes a signal to the officers and Olivia spots a glimpse of something metal.

-You should be ridiculous!!.., she cries a bit loudly. I catch her arm to make her stop before she gets into trouble.

The officer goes to put handcuffs on Cragen.

-Hey hey!!, You can't be serious, says Munch in a dangerous tone approaching quickly.

Don tries to stay calm.

-For what you are accusing me?

-He is a well respected cop! You can't treat him like that, cries Finn nervously.

-But maybe a murderer, the young officer says and I try to keep myself from slapping the irespectful rat-to-be and I squeeze Liv's arm, still in my palm. She steps a little behind and her back brushes against my own arm. She doesn't want to make me loosen the grip but to sooth me with this slightest contact and she achieves it.

-Donald Cragen, you are under arrest for the murder of Gloria Nevado. You have the right to remain silent…

-What?! Gloria is dead?!

And this time Cragen looks shocked and panicked. For the first time in all these years I see this expression on his face.

-Gloria is killed?! My God! No!

-Apparently, Mr Cragen. And you know that because you are the one who did it.

They start to march Don out of the squadroom.

-You should know that you're wrong!, I shout.

The Rat glares me and leaves.

I look at the others. Finn throws a file from his desk with fury. Munch looks down skeptically. Olivia seems lost and she looks at me for answers. I wish I could gave them to her.

-What piece of crap was this?, I ask instead.

-Bullshits and we should prove it!!, states Finn angrily

-Who is Gloria Nevado?, Liv starts with the most logical question and she looks to Munch hoping that he knows. He does…

-A former partner of his. His last female partner…

TBC

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_**Thanks for reading!!**_

_**How did you find it?**_

_**Please, let me know **_

_**just by hitting the button below!! ;)**_

_**Thanks!! Thanks!! Thanks!! **_

_**Yours, Watermelon'sPen!! 8-)**_


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